Get your smug ass outta here!

I feel like I’m one of those people that accepts everyone, that’s all about equality and being friends with everyone no matter their sexual orientation, choice of career, sex, race, immigrant status or political preference.  So it irks me that a few weeks ago, a facebook remark was made on my status that I posted up saying that it wasn’t so.  Now let me tell you one thing, I was classmates with this said person so I knew him fairly well.  Let’s call him Rex on the account that it sounds like a name that describes a fit, iron pumping machine that wore cut off t-shirts in high school, but except being the school bully or the football jock, he was in gymnastics.  So Rex*, who happens to be exactly what I described earlier- fit, body full of muscles and very health conscious individual happened to read upon my status with disdain and it clearly upset him.  This is what I wrote,

Ugh I hate seeing parents growing their son’s hair EXTRA long, cut that shit off your boy looks like a little girl. If you don’t want your kid to grow up a sissy CUT HIS SHOULDER LENGTH HAIR, he is NOT FABIO.

Now, let me tell you, everything I put onto facebook is mostly all in jest.  With that said, of course I wasn’t saying that all people with long hair will turn into sissys or will grow up to be one, but I do have a hatred to those mothers that get angry and will raise hell if I mistake their boy, who has flowing locks to his mid back, who is also wearing gender neutral clothes, for a girl.  (This is also what I wrote int the comments following the status update) For example, just google “little boys with long hair” and you’ll see a plethora of images of little girls boys with long hair that look like GIRLS.  Pair that with clothes that are unisex- then I am no longer at fault for mistaking a boy for a girl.  It’s an innocent mistake, yet the mother got mad.

With that said, Rex wrote on my status:

Way to perpetuate gender roles imposed by society and promote intolerance!! Go for it! Let’s add more hate to this world!!!

Oh. Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiil no.

Let me give you a little background information on this guy right here.  Rex is my classmate so for sure he would know that I was kidding in above post, but to get so angry about something so small is beyond me.  What really grinds my gears is the fact that this mothasucka is such a hypocrite. WHY is he a hypocrite? Well,  let me tell you about two incidences that happened during my time of going to school with him that would label him as one.

Situation 1: During orthotics class, professor passed around different kinds of back and abdominal braces that our future patients would use if they had certain spinal issues.  When a specific back brace got to his desk with all the belts pulled out to it’s maximum girth, Rex made a remark that go along the lines of  ”This one would fit Jean* or Precious”
*Name was changed but Rex mentioned our classmate who happens to be significantly overweight and if you didn’t know, Precious is a movie made about an obese African-American teen that was born in some dire circumstances.

Situation 2: After graduation, a few of us students were selected to be TAs for the next class and on doing so were given printed rosters with photos of all the students.  While waiting for their class to begin and us to start working, we were commenting on the photos of the students.  We were talking about who is who and which of the girls were being “holla-ed” at or hit on by the other classmates.  Rex pointed to two female individuals who we shall name Jean and Rhonda*, who were also considered large and remarked that, “No one is trying to holla at them.”  At that point, I stated that Rhonda had a husband and two children and was way more than what Rex had going on at that point.

INTOLERANCE? HATE? I’m so sorry Rex, I didn’t know that you were the epitome of fairness.  I didn’t realize that the equality police appointed you as their leader and now you’re working overtime on facebook to throw around your hypocritical statements on random people’s webpages.  Now after reading that ridiculous statement that he put on my status and knowing his true personality, I needed to find a way to write a response that showed him exactly how I felt without really put it out there that he’s an absolute douchebag.  What to say, what to say?  How do add in my sarcastic bitchy self into a blurb while at the same time being blunt and calling someone out for the dick that he is? HOW DO I DO IT?  After pondering for a few hours and letting myself steam in my own brew of anger and disgust, I came up with a response that’s just short of perfect.  The ringer? He never answered back.  Oh well, I suppose that’s what you get for fighting against the beast that we call Meena.

Hating and inequality are my two favorite things! I’m in favor of segregation, prop 8, against organizations such as the Special Olympics and possAbilities. I also like to make fun of others based on their body type and make comments on them. Oh wait… scratch the last one, that was someone else, not me. Everything else is fair game.

So that’s my response.  What makes it perfect is that I am in fact, involved in these organizations- volunteering my time and money for anti prop 8 organizations,  Special Olympics and possAbilities.  I am the most anti anti-gay person ever.  As a minority, I’m all about uniting ourselves and embracing each others’ cultural differences.  I chose my career for the fact that I CAN work with disabled people, and my favorite patients I’ve had were children who were diagnosed with different kinds of mental disorders/CP/Down’s Syndrome.  Not to mention that I’m fluffy myself.  I got a lotta love in my heart.  But when you cross the line and tell me that I’m NOT for those things, that I do perpetuate intolerance and hate then I have to get into fight mode and pull no punches.

What makes me angry is the fact that this Rex character is fooling everybody.  Everybody is fooled by the facade of big muscles and a chiseled face.  Even the people that insult behind their backs come back and think that he’s the nicest guy around.  In fact, the day after he said those remarks about Jean and Rhonda*, he talked to BOTH of them at the same time for quite a while, discussing study techniques and what to expect later on in the program that we were in.  Talk about being two-faced.  In my 24 years of life, this was the FIRST time I’ve encountered and witnessed with my own two eyes and my own two ears what a real two faced monster was.  To insult people for their body size and then the next day be sickly sweet to their face is disgusting in my eyes.  Yet the two ladies (WHO ARE SUPER NICE and SWEET by the way) were sold by his charm and his smile that he obviously practiced for many years. But you’re not fooling me, Rex.

So Rex, think next time you talk or write or do anything.  Someone is always listening to you, someone is always reading what you write, and someone is always watching you.  You’re lucky that I’m not a bigger bitch than I am and calling you out, names bared and on every public outsource I can think of.  Next time you won’t be so lucky,  I’ll pull no punches and tell you like it is and will gladly hand you your ass on a silver platter.

A blast from the past

When I was a kid I was pretty artistic, and although I dabble in art and doodle here and there, it doesn’t really showcase what I can really do with some time and dedication and a few days of uninterrupted silence. A kid of the arts- I loved music, art and poetry. I was just cleaning all my stuff today and I stumbled upon a red velvet journal and after opening the cover I realized what this little gem was- my poetry journal. I sat down and read some of the pages. I was pretty good at this poetry thing! I remember that some of my entries were chosen to be put into this book too. As I turn the pages, I notice the trend of the poems becoming dark… hopeless… tormented. Damn, what kind of kid was I in high school? I look at the dates and realize what time it was- it was after the whole Justin thing. Looking back, I wish that I told someone that I was so unhappy. Actually, to be honest I was unhappy for the first 2 years of college as well. But I wished I stepped up and said something…so somebody.. to anyone.

Here’s one poem that I found really – for lack of a better term- scary.

Hiding along in the dark
In a corner cold and stark

Closer it lingers to steal my dreams
Replaced them with nightmares so now I hear screams

I feel that I should run away
But i want to be tortured and that’s why I stay

Help comes so I can get up and fight
But I don’t want the help, so I hide from the light

I don’t care about anything in this life
I’d rather feel pain, hurt and strife

My heart is blackened it’s dark as coal
My spirit is numb- I gave the devil my soul

I never thought that memories hurt so much from the past
But the painful wounds on my heart will last

Every time my eyes spill sorrow’s tears
It feels like my heart is being stabbed with a thousand spears

It’s excruciatingly hard to forget and to cope
When you know you’re doomed to hell with no hope

On my knees to him I call
A shadowed figure stands in front of me tall

My soul, Master, my heart I give
For I cannot walk with this burden, I don’t want to live!

With greedy cold hands my life he took
With my spirit was leaving my whole body shook

This is the last time I will rest my weary head
My body is cold, I do not breathe but I thanked the Devil I’m dead.

Pretty dark sinister stuff, huh? Some say it’s emo and I may have to agree superficially but deep down inside I wished that when I was going through this phase that it was due to teenage rebellion and typical teenage angst rather than an actual feeling of hopelessness that I went through when I was young.

I guess the moral of the story is to you kids is: Save your shit! Not only is it cool/cute to look back and see what a dweeb you were, but it’s nice to remember how far along you have become. Now, on to finding my diaries that I’ve written when I was REALLY young… that’s a different blog post though.

What’s the freakin’ use?

There’s a lot of superficial things that I fake-gripe about but these are one of those real things. I grew up in the Adventist circle, and for those of you that don’t know, it’s a religious group. Just like there are Catholics, Baptists, Methodists and Mormons, there are Seventh Day Adventists. I grew up in the church, attended SDA schools, college and grad schools. I’ve made good friends, realized some people are plain two-faced and found out that some people are just plain bad people. It’s all the same in any other college setting. Why is this the way it is? If I’m going to a school that prides itself in having a Christian heart, why do I keep meeting people who are the opposite? Why is it that the people that I feel are the opposite are more often then not the ones that are supposed to be the ones that exhibit the Christian lifestyle? (AKA theology/religion majors, youth leaders/pastors)

The thing that made me think about this was the fact that I saw an ad for the charity called “To Write Love on Her Arms” or for short, TWLOHA. I see the best of the best branding their chests and backs with hoodies, tshirts, bracelets with this logo. But why is it when these people, who are supposedly commited to helping people refused to help those who actually struggled with this? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, TWLOHA is a movement/charity that informs others about self-harm, self-mutilation, etc. People call it cutting or burning. Basically it’s people who turn to hurting themselves from poisoning themselves, cutting or burning themselves for lack of having someone to talk about their problems. For some people emotional pain is hard to comprehend and live with that they choose to channel emotional pain into physical pain because it’s the only way they know how to cope. The people at TWLOHA understood this and made a campaign to stop people from cutting themselves by providing suicide hotlines and basically spreading the word that this is happening and to let the people who do self harm know that they are not alone and that there is help.

So let’s say a certain person who supposedly does God’s work knows that a certain person is doing self harm.. why doesn’t this person do something about it? What irks me the most is that the same people that knew also supported TWLOHA. I just think that there needs to be a push for people to get into action instead of just reading and going through the motions of being a good “Christian”.

Why am I angry? Because I was that one girl that knew that you knew that I did self harm. But you didn’t do a damn thing about it. Now that you’re supposedly doing God’s work, spreading the love I can’t really take you seriously because you never did a damn thing about something that could have been so easily taken care of. Next time you know something, please, don’t just sit there, get up, stand up, speak up, reach out, and walk the walk.

tolerance

Ever since I’ve moved down to socal, I’ve been building my tolerance.  One certain levels I guess it’s cool, on others it’s downright shmucky.  For instance my alcohol tolerance has sky rocketed.  I am no longer a 4-shot wonder.  Let’s just keep it at that.  But what really concerns me is the tolerance I’ve built for stupid/racist/prejudiced/unfair/injustice things in general.  Why do I not get angered until my face gets hot when discussing gay rights?  Why do I not read up on political injustices, the war, the EVERYTHING that’s going on in the world right now?  It feels as if I’m slowly becoming indifferent to the world and what’s important in life.

Life is not about getting that doctorate.  Life is not about being top 10 in the class.  Life is not about getting 100% on the finals.  Life is not about being a student TA.  Life is not about trying to be best friends with the teacher for alternative reasons.  All these things I’ve done and are doing but it doesn’t make life any sweeter, any deeper, or any better.  Sure I may feel elated (for a day) that I got a TA job, sure I may feel proud of myself (for a week) for getting the top score in the class, etc… but all these things are short lived.

I was meant to live for so much more

Have I lost myself?

Somewhere I live inside…
This is something I really need to actively change if I want to get out of this mess I call superficiality.

click the link to the song by switchfoot – “meant to live” … it’s what I’m feeling right now

It’s one thing

It’s one thing to hear rumors flying about of something terrible on FB and in texts, it’s another thing to have it be confirmed.

It’s one thing to know someone has died, it’s another thing to grasp the fact that he’s gone.

It’s one thing to attend a funeral and a burial, it’s another thing to stand next to the casket, to place a flower on it and to touch it.

It’s one thing to touch a casket; it’s another to see them lower it into the ground.

It’s one thing to see a casket lowered into the ground; it’s another to see dirt cover it until you can’t see it anymore.

It’s one thing to do and see all these things, it’s another to realize that someone is in that casket, that someone is long gone, that someone is underneath all that dirt and grass.

So now that I understand the meaning of death and realize that someone is truly gone, my heart now weeps.  Not just for him, but for another important person in my life who was like a second father to me.  How ironic that they both succumbed to the same thing: pancreatic cancer.  So now, after all the dust has settled, after the initial shock of everything is gone,I now understand what life will be from this point, I’ll let myself and my heart weep.  Unfortunately it comes unexpectedly and it comes in waves.

Pastor Jimmy Ha has been in my life since I was a little kid.  When he attended PUC, I was a wee ‘lil tot in Pleasant Hill Korean SDA Church.  And when he left, I grew up and to my surprise I see him once again at his alma mater aka my soon-to-be alma mater.  In those short years of knowing him at PUC, I learned a great amount.  Through emails and discussions and classes, he’s helped me cultivate my own beliefs and morals.  And despite the fact that my beliefs and his are far different, he respected me and NEVER EVER told me that I was wrong and never ever pushed what he believed onto me.  In fact, he encouraged me to find my own truth and to stick by it.  I visited him one day before he passed on.  It was truly one of those “Tuesdays with Morrie” situations- a student visiting and talking to a dying professor.  And like that situation, Jimmy was my Morrie.  He gave me these last pearls of wisdom that I’ll keep with me forever.  We talked about cancer, about life, love, how life really sucks, what fairness is, god, prayer, school, my future goals/plans, UFC, boxing, books as well as other things.  The one thing I really remember him saying was, “Meena, I don’t really have anything wise or profound to say”, little did he realize that the small quips, jokes, and random things he said during that visit WAS profound and wise.  So thank you, Pastor Ha for enlightening me.  From the depths of my heart, Thank You.

An excerpt from The Alchemist

Who knew a Starbucks cup could inspire me?  This is a little excerpt from one of my favorite books, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.  This book has most definitely changed my life. But enough of that.  Let’s focus on the quote exactly. What Coelho means when he writes “Personal Legend” is our destiny. Our goal in life.  Something that we strive for. It’s uplifting whenever I read this or think about this because we CAN do everything and anything we want, but we first must dream it.  This is just a little reminder to myself that anything and everything I dream can be achieved if I fight for it.

This is what I must remember from now until forever:  fight for my dreams.

eventful, eventful, it’s all quite eventful

Life has been quite eventful since I started my program at Loma Linda University.  Some things great, somethings very terrible, and I’ve experienced many things that I NEVER have in my life.  Since June, I’ve never felt so happy in my life.  Since June, I’ve never felt so sad in my life. I’ve been helped out beyond what I have ever experienced in my life and at the same time I’ve never been hurt so much by someone I cared about in my life. I think I’ve cried more since June than I have ever in my life combined, I’m sure.  Life is changing, I am changing, and my environment is also constantly changing.  Let’s just say that since June 2009, I’ve experienced the extremes that life has to offer.  Some uplifting, some heart breaking.  But it’s all part of the learning process, correct?  Because of this crazy whirlwind, I’ve changed.  Not sure for the better or for worse, but I have changed.

Should I embrace this change or should I fight it, and come back to how I was before?

Change. Change. Change.